What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:05
I was scared of men, in general
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Have you ever dealt with a Christian narcissist?
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
Comes on , in middle age.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
What did Chandrashekhar Azad say about Hinduism during a podcast?
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Put me off passion for life!!
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Would this be the day?
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We all went to grammer schools
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She found it foreign!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She married twice! .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What did i know ?
Im still living with it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
I have no regrets .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is how, and why children get BPD.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.